=(

This semester has got to be the most difficult study-wise for as long as I've been at Monash.

I have never felt so demotivated in my whole time here. I have two free days every week and I'm only taking 3 units instead of the usual 4, yet I feel like I have not been able to catch up with most of what I've learnt. I just can't grasp some things.

It's actually come to a point where I've started thinking, "what if I just try to maintain a 60% average this semester?" and I actually calculated my marks and since my average would still be a Distinction, I really wouldn't mind getting all credits this semester.

I feel like I just want to cry. And I have to send in assignments practically every week.

I can understand now why my first-year lecturer kept on warning us about how difficult third year was gonna be.

Since I got through past semesters quite well, I just never thought that this semester was going to be THAT difficult.

When Liyana and I were ranting about this last night, I almost burst out crying cause I don't understand why I just can't seem to get anything inside my head now.

My only saving grace right now is that I'm still on track with one of the units.

I hate this helpless feeling so much. And I hate myself for being so ambitious sometimes.

Screw my pride. I just wanna survive this semester.

Cynicism.

I sent in my assignment today.

Worst 2000 words I've ever had to write. EVER. EVER. EVER.

But funnily kan, i realise that I tend to be more creative when I'm under pressure cause when I read back my assignment, I was actually thinking, "Wah, I can actually construct sentences like that?"

Once I sent in my assignment, I was so happy cause I was gonna go out for dinner.

And then it started to pour.

Like, flooding-in-multiple-places pour. So I was late in picking up my friend cause I got stuck in a jam. Oh yeah. JOY.

But I was so happy cause I got to eat nice food for dinner! =)

Actually, any food would have been nice cause I was too busy finishing up the assignment to actually have a proper lunch.

Yeah, bad habit, I know.

And this coming from a person who keeps on telling her siblings "DON'T SKIP YOUR MEALS". I am embarrassed to say that I'm so not practicing what I preach. Lol.

By the way, Anis said something interesting to me this morning:

"I have this friend tau, and she's very cynical. Actually, she reminds me of you la, Kakya"

Imagine that. Me, a cynic?

I'm shocked! Really, I am.

I've always known that I was cynical, but I think that was the first time someone actually stating it out loud like that. And she was comparing my cynicism with her friend's. LOL.

I can't help it though. I've always been very cynical and my perspective's not likely to change anytime soon. I'm comfortable with being a cynic and an optimist at the same time.

A contradiction? Oh, totally. I've always been contradictory, haven't I? =)

Me? In a foul mood? Oh no no no no. I just feel like bashing something, that's all.

I have an assignment due on Friday.

I have no idea how to do it.

I have spent most of my free time reading up on journal articles that will supposedly help me make sense of the assignment, but let me emphasise on the word SUPPOSEDLY because the more I read, the more confused I became.

I can't believe that even reading is becoming a chore now. =(

Worst still, in between reading these journals, I still had to make time for another assignment that's due later today. I am so glad that the other one's easier.

I have never felt so clueless in doing an assignment. I almost wish that the uni would close down because H1N1. Not such a far-off thought, since there are already a few confirmed cases and we're subjected to temperature checks everytime we step into the campus.

Oh well. I can wish, can't I?

Everyone should watch this. It's a really inspirational clip. I actually cried the first time I saw it, during a career talk in Monash (that was embarrassing, trying to hide the tears. Lol.).

Gender equality?

Today I was talking with a friend of mine about work and stuff cause we were supposed to start looking for internship for the summer break. And we were talking about job prospects once we graduate, etc, etc, when he said something to this effect:

"Tapi you perempuan, senang je. You kahwin je la dengan someone kaya"

EXCUSE ME????

Needless to say, I was a bit taken aback and I was actually rendered speechless for a few seconds after that.

I have not studied my ass off these past three years to just be satisfied with being some housewife, waiting hand and foot on her husband.

NO.BLOODY.WAY.

I mean, if I wanted to kahwin some rich-ass kid and be totally dependent on him, what was the point of me slaving over my studies?

I really want to see how far I can go on my own, with the skills that I have or will obtain in the future. Partially it's about the money, but mostly it's for my own self-satisfaction.

I can tell you right now that being a housewife will NOT give me any self-satisfaction.

And it shocked me that the thought even crossed my friend's mind. I seriously didn't know that guys could still think like that. It saddens me.